Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission - Brian V Moore© Durban - 9 2004

A story of scars and healing.

"Look here. Look here!" The 40 plus lady was softly insistent as she pulled up her lower trouser leg.

"This happened when I was tiny - I was only 7 years old." She had a sad and deeply troubled look on her face as she ran her fingers over a faded scar. "I was knocked off my bicycle by a crazy madman in a car. He didn’t give a damn! He never even stopped to see if I was ok. My father even laughed at me and I have never ridden a bicycle since." Now what do you think of that!?"

I could see some scar tissue and a small dent in her otherwise perfect leg. But the surface damage was nothing compared to the damage below. The scar had healed in a few weeks or months but this dear lady has burnt her soul and spirit for more than 3 decades. The person who had caused her initial injury and her father, who had "not cared", were no longer alive.

In my lovely family there are those who carry their scars like medals of honour. At every opportunity for a parade they are brought out for all to see. Sometimes it is to justify their failures, sometimes they are loudly put on show as weapons of protection. "I have been hurt," they seem to cry, "so let me hurt you before you get to me!."

Another reflects the scars, wrought by his father, in his unreasoning behaviour with his own children. All that he hated and decried is now in his behaviour. The children now grow the tranferred pain and the scars. They too could one day be a reflection of his pain.

These lost souls are now well-protected against pain. They are well shielded from true love. They separate themselves from humanity and humanness in all too familiar ways.

It reminded me of the hurt I had caused to myself and others, through anger and hate. In one such case, the initial event was really nothing in the greater scheme of things. I remember myself as a small child hanging my head in shame at the words of my late uncle. His taunt had hung heavily in my heart. I then allowed that pain to become anger. As it did, I told the story many, many times in ever growing strength and magnitude.

It was almost 4 decades before I confronted my uncle. "How could you do that to a child?" I demanded to know. "What kind of person belittles little children? He looked at me bemused, as I related my sad tale.

"I am so sorry," he answered - with sadness in his eyes, "I can’t even remember saying that to you."

I looked at him and knew that I had created him to be a monster. Firstly in my own eyes and then in the minds of all who had listened to my story. I knew then that it was I who had to apologise, not him.

He was a young man when this had happened and my words had caused far more damage than his. I apologised and was almost overcome with a sense of peace and well-being. I asked for his forgiveness and it was graciously and gladly given.

I remember now, my scars. Some on my body and more in my mind. All had some degree of mental scarring. Every injury that I have carried, as a banner to my existence, has through my words, acts and stories, quietly and greatly scarred my spirit. The more I embellished the story, the deeper were the wounds to my soul.

This makes me wonder about the harm that we do to our spirits, as people of different cultures and backgrounds. A recent visit to the website for the Racism Conference - held in Durban in 2001 - shows that there are deeply wounded souls out there. There are still people who hate others because they are so-called "white" or "black", or "Christian or Muslim." Choose any human category and be sure that someone will be unhappy with them.

They tell their angry stories, over and over again, to anyone who will hear them. They cut deeply into their own spirits and they tear at their own children’s souls. And as they do so they scar the future of this country and that of the world.

Mohandas Gandhi once said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." And in this "weakness" we further weaken ourselves.

Ravi Shankar - a leading Indian Guru - brings a new perspective. When asked if South Africa would heal through forgiveness, he said that forgiveness is merely a "human indulgence." He followed with words to the effect, "If we are not angry with another person then we would have no need to forgive them. Forgiveness is more to heal the forgiver than the forgiven."

Eleanor Roosevelt’s words, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission," ring very true. Nor can any one make you angry without your permission.

There will always be racists and racism, rightists and rightism.

They cannot hurt us if we do take the hurt into ourselves. We will save our own souls and those of our children, if we do not build the stories and the suffering into our own spirits.

This is not to say that the stories should not be told. They must - in the most dispassionate way possible. It is the emotion that hurts us. It is our anger that deepens the wound.

As I think of my friend and her scars, I wonder how she will feel if she ever stops telling the stories of her scars. I wonder, if she takes the time to silently apologise to herself for the spiritual damage she has caused, if that will bring peace to her? And if she borrowed a bicycle and wobbled down a road once more, will she be free?

And, if we were all to step back from our emotional telling of old stories and began to live in reality, as human beings together, will we be on the path to true freedom?

Brian V Moore©
Durban - 9 2004